Friday Night

So I went to a party yesterday that consisted of sweaty people brushing up and rubbing inappropriate body parts against each other, couples exchanging saliva, and people practically having sex on the dance floor. The music was booming and the multicolor lights were blinding; it was like a big space station fill with a bunch of hormonal teenagers getting their boogie on. So I was in the mosh pit full of panting and heavy breathing; I felt like I was going to either die or collapse right there on the dance floor. I couldn't breath my legs were on fire; I never felt so much sweat and respiration in my life. It was absolutely disgusting. But at the same time the most sensational experience ever.

Yep that was my Friday night, I woke up this morning feeling like a seventy year old man. My back ached, my arms were sore, and my thighs were screaming out from exhaustion.

Where's the pride, the dignity?

So I went to the beach yesterday and I had the luck of being, in practically every situation, the third wheel. Life is just great when you realize that you can't hangout with you're friends anymore without their boyfriends tagging along. It's sad actually. I was sitting in the back seat of a car driving on Beach Blvd to Huntington Beach and my friend and her "temporary" boyfriend was next to me, smothering each other with caresses and kisses. It was a beautiful day, the sun finally showed itself after many days of gloomy foggy weather. And I got to spend it in the most awkwardest way possible.

What really upsets me sometimes is the way some girls just seem to pour themselves over a guy, it's almost like their clinging on to dear life. Is their no dignity, no pride?

My best friend for example, is a great friend in every way but her biggest flaw is guys. She is the type of person to just drop everything for a guy. She is right now in a relationship with my best guy friend and the weird thing is that I don't know who to worry about more. It's complicated.

I know that everyone has their weak points but it really bothers me to see a person pour their whole heart and soul out for another person and in the end have their feelings completely crushed. I told my best girlfriend to NOT put in that much effort unless she was getting the same amount back, but it's already too late. I see it. She is in love, again. She calls her boyfriend nonstop and does everything she can to make the relationship last, even my giving him little heart-felt presents here and there. The sad part is that he is already taking it for granted, complaining about how "clingy" she is. But that's the sad reality, some girls are just willing to lay their hearts out for someone their interested in. I guess some people just have to learn the hard way.

What a Not So Pleasant Surprise

It's sad really, the things I have to endure because of it. Like I eat nonstop for it's preparation, I guess you can say almost like an inauguration. Prior to it, I go on a gorging rampage which consists of shoving anything I can get my hands on into my mouth. It's rather scary actually. Then the hormones start acting up and every situation just seems so depressing and irritating; during one of these stages, I like to express myself by throw meaningless temper tantrums and pointless fits. I feel bad for whoever is there during these explosions; I can see the fear in their eyes and their hopeless attempts at trying to comfort me. And it's all because of it!

I cried yesterday because of it since I suddenly left like I was loosing a friend; the person I went to confide in ended up asking me, "Is it coming?" and I immediately blew up in a raging ball of flames and started screaming and arguing to no end, saying over and over, "Nobody understands me, nobody cares!" Yep, these are the consequences I have to face every time it comes around, I have no control over my emotions, they're just everywhere!

Right now, as I am typing away, my stomach is again protesting, chanting "FEED ME! FEED ME!" and like a great loving mother, my mom declares that there is absolutely nothing to eat in the house. So I have once again resorted to three candy-bars: Crunch, Snickers, and 3 Musketeers. But since I am so terribly hungry, I am feasting away imagining myself eating chicken and mashed potatoes instead.

I just love it when it hits me in the pit of my stomach, making me clench onto my belly and wince. What great pains I suffer from it, especially during class where everyone just hears this soft whine and it's me in the corner of the room, battling it out with my cramps.

And yep, it just happens to pay me a visit every month. It shows just how much it misses me by rewarding me with cramps, PMS, and a mean appetite. Don't you just love periods?

Something To Think About

I have a question.

Is is weird in any way that almost all of my closest friends are guys? This may seem to some like a farcical question but it really makes me wonder and ask myself; is that normal? Am I incapable of making girlfriends? Am I just not a friendly/easy to talk to person unless whoever I'm talking to happens to be a guy? I don't know it just gets to me sometimes.

I admit, I am reluctant to talk to girls or share all my feelings/thoughts with them because there's a likely chance that they'll end up repeated to someone else, yep it's called gossip and I hate it. It's just hard to converse with girls sometimes when there's that constant nagging voice in the back of your head saying "I bet she's judging you right this very minute, I bet she thinks you're pathetic and melodramatic." or questions like "Do I trust her enough to tell her this?" I just hate having to be so cautious about every little thing that I want to say. Why can't I just freely express myself?

However with guys it's a different story, I know not every girl is a gossip-queen but with guys there's no need to watch what I say. I know for a fact that I can trust the ones I talk to and count on them to give me genuine and honest advice.

But here's the issue. What if these guys who I believe are my close friends are only considerate and attentive because I'm a girl. And what if the only reason they listen and seem to care so much is because I release estrogen instead of testosterone or that I have breasts which offers some sort of distraction from whatever words coming out of my mouth.

Either way, I just don't want to be taken for a fool thinking that there are actually people out there that give a crap about what I have to say when in reality it's not like that at all. I just want make close friends that like being around me for the way I am, me with my meaningless rambles, overly dramatic stories, and my ridiculously weird comments and actions.

Routine

Well I guess that's what you can call my life: routine. Basically I do the same shit everyday, I wake up like 10 minutes before school starts, put on whatever first comes to mind, keep my hygiene in check, go from class to fucking class with the same apathetic attitude, munch on something when the bell rings for lunch, and then come slumping back home. Once I get home I immediately go the place that offers instant satisfaction: the kitchen. After that I turn on the TV which helps me shut off my brain for the next couple of hours and before you know it, I'm knocked out on the couch. Same shit everyday.

GOD why is life so fucking bleak right now? I just don't know what to do anymore so that my life can be somewhat spontaneous/interesting. The only thing that seems to be constantly changing are my journal entries.

I just wish there was more to worry about than just school, grades, and weight. Sadly there really isn't much to think about besides that since apparently my life doesn't give me enough fucking variety to keep my mind occupied.

I need to take a vacation, get away from my monotonous-drool-mundane existence. Yup. I have my days.

American Teen

Yesterday my friends and I decided to have a movie night so we gathered around the TV to watch American Teen. Unlike all the other teen movies, this was a documentary. It's a documentary about 5 completely polar-opposite teens who all happen to go to the same high school. I love the director's choice of characters because each person was unique in their own way. However I didn't find one that related to me but maybe that's because my existence is so damn mundane, either way I really enjoyed it. For a person who loves reality shows, this movie was perfect.

I love having the opportunity to just take a peek into other people's lives just so I get a glance of just how bizarre and interesting people can really be. Like most people, I loved the character Hannah; there was just so much personality oozing from one person. She had big aspirations of becoming a director in a major city which is always exciting. The great thing was that in the end she went out to pursue her dreams even though both her parents opposed of the idea.

I am actually going off to college in a couple months as well and its great to just be able to see how other teenagers around the country struggle and stress about the same things that I have been through. Going off to college is a major step, I see it as barely the start of life.