Hello There Neighbor

I know too much about my unusual somewhat crazy neighbor. He has three dogs all named after former American presidents: Regan, Madison, and Nixon. Not the best choice of presidents but that's just my opinion. The reason I know all this is because my neighbor talks to himself, you would probably consider him insane but I've come to realize, after listening to him yell and complain loudly in the middle of the night, is that he's an extremely lonely man. I remember being his neighbor ever since I moved into this house, he use to have a son and a wife; his wife left him for another man and his son left after he turned eighteen.

Last night, while I was about to go to sleep, I heard him again. He was talking to his dogs as if he was speaking to an actual responsive human being. The first thing I heard was his old beat-up truck roaring onto the drive way and then the next thing you know he was yelling and cursing. I assume that his dogs made a mess again in the house since he kicked them out screaming "Get out! You pooped all over the floor! Look at the mess you made!" But after a couple of inaudible mumbles he came out again and to call the dogs back in saying "Ohh I missed you guys. Never do that again, okay?"

Although you might think this is really creepy, especially hearing it in the middle of the night, I've been hearing this for years so it's nothing new. But what is new is my understanding and compassion for him.

Moving Day

College starts in less than a week for me and although it's sad to think about, I am ready. For once in my life, I think this summer was way too long and I think it's time I start on my studies once again. I hate having nothing to do since I'm the type of person to always keep myself busy even though if it means cleaning the whole house. I'm all too ready to start the next chapter of my life and experience and learn new things. Growing up in a small town, you tend to have a really limited idea of how the world really is outside of your daily surroundings. One problem I've developed after living in one area my life is being too comfortable and accustomed to one area so when the day finally comes around for me to leave the nest, I'm scared and reluctant. But everyone has to go through this one day in order to mature and grow up so although I'm a little frightened to go somewhere unfamiliar with unfamiliar people, I know it's something I have to do regardless of my feelings.

So this week is going to be solely devoted to packing and spending time with family and friends.

tearful goodbye

Hi Denise,
Well it's here. You are leaving tomorrow August 29, 2009 and I am sitting here writing you a message. I'm not going to make this long; I'm just going to keep it simple and straight from the heart. Who knows the next time I'll be able to see you and when we do we probably will be busy with our own separate lives thousands of miles away. But I guess that's part of growing up and moving forward. I just want you to know that you made my years in high school that much better just by being apart of my life. You were the first friendly face I saw on my first day at Rowland High School and I will never forget that. We have been close friends for four years now and I'm just glad to have all those memories we've created to look back on. You are an amazing person, someone who is reliable and trustworthy and anyone should be glad to have you as a friend. Thanks for all the times we've had together and thanks for being the great friend that you are. I hope you have fun in Taiwan but most importantly I hope you'll be happy there because in the end that's all that matters. I won't make this a good bye so I'll just say see you later!

love,
Ivy

Chocolat

To add to my food addiction I just finished reading Chocolat which is also a mouth watering book. However the book is pretty much solely based on chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate cake, hot chocolate cocoa, chocolate figurines, chocolate everything. It's a beautiful book and it is also responsible for my recent weight gain. Since I started reading that book, I've managed to eat four to five chocolate truffles a day just based on mere cravings after reading a chapter. That's how much of addict I am.

Woke up today feeling like I swallowed something prickly, which I hope isn't one of those creepy crawlers that you hear about, making their way into your mouth while you're asleep. I pulled myself out of bed, walked around the house like a zombie for a couple of minutes and then start for the kitchen. Once again my mom is making some sort of contraption with the mountain of peeled potatoes which sad to say isn't going to be mashed potatoes or potato salad but once again one of my mom's mystery dishes. Oh boy.

Today I am going to the library again to pick out a whole new pile of books to read to make life a little bit more interesting. Any recommendations?

Julie and Julia

Today I watched a movie called Julie and Julia. It was great. The movie incorporated all that I love in life in two simple glorious hours. Based on two true stories, the film documents two people who both find meaning and happiness in life from cooking and tasting food. Julie who in the beginning hates her career and purposeless life, decides to cook her way through Julia Child's cook book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, by cooking 524 recipes in 365 days; all the while blogging her successes and failures. Julia on the other hand struggles through her own issues from becoming a licensed chef to publishing her own cook book.

The movie is filled with mouth watering moments that literally drive me insane. Imagine sitting through a movie filled with desserts, oven-cooked turkeys, perfectly seasoned lobster, steaming stew with a hint of red wine, champagne and strawberries, boiled white fish fillet, pouched eggs, crisp oven baked bread with melted butter, mushroom lathered in Alfredo sauce, and my personal favorite from the movie, fried buttered bread with slices of tomato and yellow/green peppers that creates a crunchy softness that's a full on explosion of flavor and tanginess in your mouth. The golden brown bread soaks up the juices released from the tomato and peppers creating the perfect combination between the two.

One thing the movie mentions over and over is butter. "You can never have too much butter". Butter is what makes food taste ten times better. Food added together with different spices is already satisfying on its own but to add that extra boost of flavor from melted butter brings your tastes buds to a whole new level of yumminess. Basically as you can tell the movie is driving me insane. People who love food like I do, I give you a fair warning.

It's another typical day in my little yellow house and I am once again completely bored out of my mind. I wish that there was something I was passionate about or motivated to do. Which brings to the topic of writing a short story. Obviously I'm not going to write a novel but a short story should be a baby step towards the real thing. But its not as easy as you think. Trust me I've been sitting here for the past hour rummaging through by brain for something to write about. But I'm going to do it; it'll be like my little summer project. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Into the Wild

Ever feel really awkward in your own skin? Well I've been feeling like that a lot lately and it isn't because I'm gaining weight (thank god!) but it's just because I have an unusually low self esteem, which I guess is normal for some people. For example today I was working with this really cute guy who like a god, is super suave and charming in everything he does. And I, like the ugly duckling, was overly conscious about everything I did. Is my hair to poofy? Is there something on my face? It's really exhausting actually.

On a more positive note, I recently watched this movie or documentary you can say, called Into the Wild, which is about this guy named Chris who seeks to create a new life for himself in the wild. What initially was a brilliant plan turned out to be a huge mistake when Chris realizes the only true happiness comes from being around others, specifically loved ones. After two years in the wild without any source of human contact, Chris dies alone in the wild from eating poisonous root. Unable to express his remorse, Chris dies on his bed; his face wet from tears. The ending is especially traumatizing and heart-wrenching. I would recommend this movie to everyone of all ages although there is some nudity but it's only for expressive and artistic purposes.

Help Please

I think something is wrong with my blogger account. I can no longer search up any other users, for example when you click on one of your interests, the website will automatically find other users with the same interest as you, well that doesn't work anymore. Whenever I click on a link under my interests section, it doesn't show any other users. Does anyone know what's going on with my account?

On Love

"We fall in love hoping that we will not find in the other what we know is in ourselves - all the cowardice, weakness, laziness, dishonesty, compromise, and brute stupidity. We throw a cordon of love around the chosen one and decide that everything that lies within it will somehow be free of out faults and hence lovable. We locate inside another a perfection that eludes us within ourselves and through union with the beloved hope somehow to maintain [against evidence of all self-knowledge] a precarious faith in the species." - Alain de Button

It's hot and I'm too pissed too exhausted too sweaty to write anything else.

F the weather F the heat and F my life

I'm back again to complain about the weather. I absolutely hate it. Today was exactly 95 degrees so you can just imagine me sitting in a one bedroom apartment for 5 hours with nothing to do but read and sleep. Okay I'm lying. But doesn't it sound more dramatic that way? The truth is that I live in a five bedroom house with air conditioning but still the weather was brutally hot regardless of the circumstances I was in.

I took a 4 hour nap today which made me feel completely exhausted afterward for some particular reason. I woke up feeling one hundred years old and unreasonably indignant. I rummaged through the fridge after my nap and ate 4 chocolate truffles which I immediately regretted eating afterward. So chocolate stained, hot, and pissed off, I threw a bitch fit and who took the blame? My little starry-eyed brother who just so happened to be the closest thing around me at the moment. There you go, me and dry hot weather just don't mix.

My head hurts now, great.

From the East toe the West and back again

Nothing much has happened since my last post but I'll update you anyways.

I've been reading On the Road and I'm almost done and I hate to say this but it's not really that great. I had the hardest time trying to concentrate on some of the chapters without, sad to say, slowly dozing off. I guess I just don't understand what's the main point of the story and I hate not being able to grasp the whole purpose of a book. The novel is suppose to be one of Jack Kerouac's more notable works but the whole book itself is about two mad men named Sal and Dean traveling across American from the East to the West and then back again. They travel without any thought or reason; just merely based on their impulse to go somewhere and start over new. So basically they travel mile after mile with one destination in mind: to get to New York without any knowledge as to how they're going to get there, just that they are.

On the surface Sal and Dean just look like a bunch of idiotic low-lives with no purpose in life but as you squint to see what lies beneath the surface, you realize that they are what signifies the "beat" generation. Which with the help of Wikipedia is the "rejection of mainstream American values, experimentation with drugs and alternate forms of sexuality, and an interest in Eastern spirituality." And although that may make the book seem like a pretty significant contributor to the development of American cultural history, I still stick to my initial thought that the book doesn't live up to all the hype.

On another note, I've gained 10 pounds and am about to jump off a cliff. Must exercise but as you all know that's physically impossible when you live in America, especially L.A., where there's a restaurant and fast food place outside of every gym. So I rest my case.

4th of July

It's a hundred and something degrees and I'm about to go crazy. It's a lazy Sunday and I can't even sit here without sweating. It's disgusting.

So let me tell you about 4th of July. It turned out to be a bit disappointing but overall it was better than staying at home watching my mom cry her eyes out watching overly dramatic soap operas about unrealistic characters being put in unrealistic situations.

Here's what I realized during 4th of July; all my once charming and innocent little chums have turned into psycho drug addicted maniacs whose sudden motto in life is to "Life fast, die young." For the guys it's been one drug or another and for the girls it's just been SEX. It's really disturbing to find out that your once high school lunch buddy is sleeping around with multiple guys just for fun and who you happened to see yesterday making out with someone who was obviously high. So I took a couple of jello shots and grabbed some of whatever was left of the food and exited with a couple of friends who were also terrified at the what was happening inside that one storied house jam-packed with drunk hormonal teenagers.

I ended up watching fireworks from a little cafe near home which turned out to be perfect since I'm a late night coffee addict who just so happens to have midnight cravings. So after my fourth cup of coffee I decided that it was time end my little escapade and go home.

Which reminds me I have a free coupon to IHOP yipppee! which means infinite refills! My ultimate scheme is to drain all the coffee out of that place.

Oh Hello Again!

So once again I've neglected my once daily entries. This is exactly what happens when you get lazy. So here's an update of what's been going on in my life.

Summer officially started. How do I know? Well here's the deal. One day the sun just decided to show just how scorching hot it really is by shining it's vicious rays down on L.A., frying everyone, especially me, into a nice crisp golden brown color like if I was some bread in the oven waiting to rise. And yes once it gets hot, I take naps. I guess that comes with the package of not having much to do over summer so for every moment that I'm not preoccupied, I am dozing off on my favorite comfy couch, which just so happens to be screaming "sleep on me! You know you want to" and taunting me with is oh-so-comfortable and inviting goodness. Trust me it's very persuasive.

Besides that Independence Day is coming up and I unfortunately have work. Bummer. But luckily Baskin Robbins is closing early that day which leaves me four hours to have fun and get drunk. Yepp

College starts in a couple of months, to be precise three months, and I'm not really looking forward to moving in and all that pish posh. I just want to suspend time and just have it be summer vacation all year long. I want to be able to relax, travel, and just do everything that I have in mind to do before school starts again. And hopefully I'll update you along the way. I hate having to be absent for long periods of time like I did do since my last entry was almost a month ago.

At the moment I'm reading this one book called On the Road by Jack Kerouac which I heard was suppose to be pretty good. So I guess that will keep me busy for a while.

That's it for now. Toodles!

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

So it's been a while since my last entry and I am terribly sorry for the delay but summer just started and the events just keep piling up. I guess you can say for once in my life I am living like a normal human being.

After work yesterday I had the opportunity to go watch UP which was good, but not great. I guess when you have high expectations for something, you more or less always end up getting disappointed. The movie was overall very cute and very funny BUT after hearing about how "great" it was for weeks, I expected more from a Disney/Pixar film.

Now for the short film, Partly Cloudy, that premiered before the movie actually started, that was great. I was cracking up the whole time like a deprived child watching her first animated film. The animation was superb and the film overall was hilarious which was pretty amazing since like other Pixar short films, there were no words involved. Therefore in order to understand what's actually going on all you have to do is just watch.

On another note, summer started just recently and since then the scale has once again hated me due to the amount of weight I've managed to gain over the course of a couple of days. I think it was all due to the events that took place before graduation for example, Grad Nite, graduation dinner, and banquets, that screwed up my metabolism and eating patterns. Which reminds me, Disneyland will never look the same to me after Grad Nite. Seeing thousands of high school seniors gathering together in one place, dancing, getting high, dropping ecstasy tablets, and grinding up on each other, is wayy tooo disgusting and disturbing for me. All the sweat and saliva and who knows what else, that was exchanged that night is just way too dramatizing for me to ever see Disneyland as the once innocent theme park known as the "happiest place on earth." Yuck!

Just keeping you posted. Tootles!

Sizzle Sizzle Spice Spice

This is what high school has resorted to during our last few days of school. We watch a movie, we write an essay about it, watch another movie do a power point presentation about it, or better yet some teachers just allow us to sit there and do nothing all period long.

I know it would be strange of me to complain about doing nothing at school but yet again I'm going to complain. I abhor wasting time away by doing absolutely nothing in class. For the past few days it has gotten to the point where I've slept through a whole day on school, sleeping from one period to the next all because I'm bored out of my mind.

Today, not surprisingly, we watched Star Wars The Attack of the Clones which is a pretty decent movie despite the fact that Hayden Christensen can not act but overall I give it a thumbs up. During the movie, even without my glasses, I was once again reminded of how magnificently crafted Hayden features are. I was practically blind while watching the movie and I had to squint and pull at the sides of my eyes during the love scenes just to get an outline of how gorgeous and how mesmerizing he can be with his breathtakingly squinty stare. DROOL

You get the idea.

Since I haven't really been sleeping lately, I've developed this bad habit called bitchiness which is fairly unpleasant when you happen to be around me during one of my numerous melt downs. Therefore I've decided, more sleep, more exercise, and less binge eating. I'll keep you updated on how it all goes. But for now I must say my goodnights before I turn into some grizzly unrecognizable beast.

Something's wrong. I think something's wrong with me.

Today was a very bad day, one of those day where you feel extremely down. It scares me to tell you the truth, to feel this sad over literally nothing. At lunch all my friends were laughing and chatting and just having a good time but I just felt out of place. I was sitting in my six period class and it surprised me just how depressed I was, I couldn't control it, the deep dark hole of loneliness and hopelessness was swallowing me whole. I told the teacher that I needed to use the restroom and I called my sister, and that's when the tears started flowing. She asked "what's wrong?" and i replied "I don't know" and kept crying. I think that scariest thing is feeling a certain way and not knowing why.

Five Pounds in Just Two Weeks

So lately I've been this monstrosity that literally eats anything it can get it's hand on. Since prom is officially over I've been to every restaurant in a three mile radius from my house. Just these past two weeks, I've managed to eat out at: Subway, Baja Fresh, Oho Hawaiian BBQ, Ajison's Ramen, Souplantation, Yogurtland, Coconut Bay, In & Out, Ten Ren, Taco Bell, Dolphin Bay, and Niko Niko Sushi. So in the span of 14 days, I've eaten Mexican, Thai, American, Chinese, Hawaiian, and Japanese food. The sad part of having a job is that you end up spending lots and lots of money on useless things such as food. Yes, while you're eating you may feel happy but in the end you really don't gain anything out of it besides a bloated stomach and a couple of extra pounds on the scale.

Besides my sinful indulgences, lately I've been assigned this one project from my English teacher. It's a rememory project where you have to look back on your four years of high school and write about them. The minimum is five essays and I haven't even started one and, it gets worse, it's due in practically 2 days. Plus there a visual portion as well where you have to decorate the project and make it appealing to the eye. This means I have to bust out my good old creativity skills which I don't have.

Well wish me luck. I have to go tackle my journal and dig for things to write about.

How Unpleasant

So it just so happens that it's summer again. I swear two days ago the weather was still chilly and breezy but yesterday all hell broke loose and the sun came storming out, beaming on all of us chanting "I'm back!"

To make things more uncomfortable, I'm sweating which is all too unpleasant when you have to sit still and type. It the worst feeling in the world to have the dry molten sun blasting it's fiery blazes of light down on you while you slowly feel your skin crackle and peel. As you can tell I absolutely hate hot weather, I rather be frozen to death in frosting temperatures than endure what I did today. I can probably fry and egg on the god damn pavement right now. Okay maybe I'm overreacting just a tad but seriously I loathe southern California in the summer time.

Oh Beautidul Day

Today is a beautiful Friday, actually I don't know yet since its only 6:11 am and the day barely started but I have a feeling today is going to be beautiful.

For the past few weeks I've endured criticism, scrutiny, and rude remarks at school. But what I realized yesterday is that I don't give a shit anymore, I was happy yesterday regardless of people's negativity. I just couldn't stop smiling. Going through this whole process just goes to show how immature and lame people really can be but at the same time how supportive and buoyant your real friends can be.

In addition to this pleasant day, my sister is coming to visit me today. Although she lives 2 hours away, I haven't seen her in months. I'm really excited to just spend time with her and catch up.

I'm going to start this day off right.

Across the Universe

I was sitting in class today and I decided to listen to my friend's itouch. Before I go into his music collection, let me just say he is a big fan of musicals. So I was skimming through his albums today and I found some that I recognized such as Wicked, The Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, Sweeney Todd, and Hairspray. And then there where the ones that I've never heard of for example Next to Normal and The Wild Party.

Listening to his itouch made me realize just how clueless I am when it comes to songs. I was listening to Regina Spektor's The Call and Fiona Apple's Across the Universe and then I started to sway back and forth in my seat since I couldn't dance without people staring. But I plan to make that my ultimate plan to dance through the hallways at school before I graduate and rid of the place forever.

Ahhhh. What a lovely day. My mom's screaming up a storm, my brother is arguing back, and my is sitting in between them trying to figure out what he did to deserve it. And once again I'm sitting here with the music on full blast, writing to you.

What a day

Another day of school and another day of work.

I wish there was more to look forward to in life then just school and work. I've ran out of books to read which makes situations worse since there's not even an imaginary life I can live to keep myself entertained.

I woke up extremely late today to find that I didn't have enough time to take a shower so I went to school feeling dirty and grungy. Sometimes I feel like a disgrace to women all over the world but anyways I was feeling pitiful for not having gotten enough sleep the night before and just plain disgusting.

First, I slept through my 2nd period which I managed to fall into a deep sleep because I realized that after the bell rang I was drooling. Yep it was a sad sight; I normally am aware when my mouth is open but I guess today I was so damn tired that I started forming my own little puddle. Basically school went by in one big gray blur. Next thing you know I was back home again taking yet another nap.

I have work in 15 mins and I'm dreading it's gloomy approach but what can I do? Life just seems so glum and purposeless at this point. Hope the rest of you are having a better day and make sure to get enough sleep at night or you'll be walking around school like a zombie like me.

Whoop Dee Doo

Yes! Testing is officially over for me! I feel so free! I can just run and skip around naked out of shear happiness!

I took the Advanced Placement Writing Test today and I breezed through the multiple choice but when it came to the essay portion I struggled a bit. But at this point I just don't care anymore. School from now on is going to be stress free since the school year is almost over and I'm graduating. It's time to move on and leave the drama behind. I just want to have fun for the rest of the school year and not have one worry-bug.

Tomorrow I'm going to the beach at night to have a bonfire with friends and I'm going to indulge myself in not just one s'more but three s'mores! Yeah it sounds pathetic but I've been on a diet practically all my life so eating a little more than I usually do is a treat.

No stress! Yippee! Finally I have the time to sit down and actually read. I'm going start off this little vacation with Naked Lunch, doesn't that just sound scrumptious?

OoooOOohh Lala!

Like I've mentioned before, Prom is coming up, actually it's in precisely 1 week and 3 days and I've still not found a dress. See, I'm not the type of person to care much for dances but I'm starting to panic. While everyone else is planning the pictures places, matching tuxedo, and corsage, I'm still rummaging around for a dress. So far I have no clue what I'm going to where and my date is starting to panic as well.

So yesterday, I starting skimming through different websites for dresses and I found this absolutely adorable Bebe dress and was only on sale for a little over $100. I drooled when I saw it and was super excited about finally finding a dress BUT while I was panting and gawking at the image, I realized that the dress was brand new and apparently "unavailable". Yep this is what happens when you're me; God finds any reason or opportunity to spite me. Here's an image of it just so you get what I'm talking about.



And here's the description!
It's hard not to be a temptress is a silk strapless dress. Princess pleating runs down the bodice; soft shirring gathers in semi-sheer bands. The hem builds with layers of rounded petals. Draped silk floats along your skin. Finishes high on the thigh, for even more appeal.
drooool*

What a W(B)itch

This week I must say is pretty hectic. I have testing to worry about for one but also the ridiculous rumors that have been circulating around school lately about me. So due to my blabber mouth I said something I wasn't suppose to say but I apologized for it. But does she really feel the need to talk so much shit? Seriously I can't even walk to class without having someone giving me a nasty look or a snicker. I was walking to class today and I said "hi" to this one girl who I've been saying hi to since the beginning of this year and her response to my pleasant greeting was a cold unnecessary glare. And this is precisely why I don't like making too many girlfriends. I swear, some girls are the most sensitive, vicious, back-stabbing, shit-talking, superficial people in the world. So instead of solving this issue in a mature way, I have to go through school day after day knowing that a bunch of nosey people are involved and judging me.

But other than that school has been great. For example, lunch as not failed me yet.

Am about to rush off to work. I must say that life is so god damn complicated but you know what I don't care anymore. Instead of thinking for myself, I've been getting myself rapped up in what others think of me that I'm starting to loose my own opinions and thoughts. ):

A Cup of Coffee Told Me #2

On my way back to L.A. after my little get away to San Francisco, I was sipping yet another cup of coffee and the Starbucks cup said...

The Way I See It #141
"I used to feel so alone in the city. All these gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you or you many marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."

- Augusten Burroughs

FML

It's a Friday night and I'm at home, alone. Whooopiee! -_-

So lately there's been alot of complications with prom. As of now I'm going with someone I don't even want to go with but of course my mouth always gets me in trouble. He asked in a very nice way and I couldn't bring myself to say "no" and now I'm stuck. The person who I truly wanted to go with is now going with another person and it's all because I couldn't say no. Booohoo...

Prom sucks! Instead of going to prom I think I'm going to get drunk and throw my own pathetic party. I'm just so disappointed how the way things turned out. I can't believe I'm going to prom, probably the most memorable and expensive night of my life, with someone who talks ALOT and who I recently discovered is super cheap. There you have it. I am going to use up the rest of my Friday night to sulk. Tootles!

By the way, does anyone have any books they would like to recommend? I need some sort of distraction.

I'm never opening my big mouth every again. It always gets me in trouble.

Hip Hip Hooray!

Yipeee!

I am going to San Fransisco in precisely 23 hours and 15 mins! As you can see I am super duper excited. I'll will remember to take lots of pictures to show you guys so you can see just why I am soo excited. Here's my agenda for today: go to work from 2-10 BOOHOO! finish all my homework so I don' have to kill myself on the plane, bath in soothing hot water filled with "bath bombs" which I got at Disneyland, and of course pack pack pack. Once I get there I'm going to visit my maybe potential college: San Fransisco State University and scavenge through all the dress stores for a perfect prom dress. I got my pay check last Wednesday so I have a little over $300 to spend on my prom dress. Yipppee!

Now for the "no so great" part of my weekend. Due to the fact that I live in one of the fattest fast-food eating country in the world, I have once again managed to gain another 5 pounds. Yep talk about extremely depressing; I hate how my weight has to the be the "wet blanket" of every situation in my life. This week was suppose to be my diet week but Souplantion and Subway were calling out for me so I couldn't resist. Plus working at an ice cream store doesn't help either. You know my friend uses the restroom after every meal? She has the craziest metabolism and she's as thin as a swig. Just imagine eating all you want without gaining a single pound. That would be heaven.

I have a blaring headache and it's driving me insane.

So I will make this entry snappy and quick.

I went shopping three times this week and I think I'm going to be sick. First of all I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE shopping but my girlfriends persuaded me otherwise, saying that I needed to get a prom dress before all the good ones were taken. But after my 4th hour of shopping I couldn't take it anymore; my feet hurt, everything looked the same, the smell of overly priced perfumes were making me sick, and I couldn't afford anything. In the end I didn't find a dress, all the potential prom dresses were all in the 400 to 500 dollar price range. I only get 8 dollars a hour working at Baskin Robbins; I can't afford to splurge especially on thin pieces of fabric that I'm probably going to wear only once.

A Cup of Coffee Told Me

I had Starbucks today and while I was in class I happened to see the little notes printed on the coffee cup. I thought it was cute so I scribbled it down for you guys.

The Way I See It #76
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating- in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of you internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to you life."

-Anne Morriss

Time to start living

I'm ready for colors, excitement; I want to feel like I'm traveling through the Milky Way filled with thousands of stars, swirls of colors and glitter. I want it to be a surreal, an extraterrestrial experience. Spring Break is finally here and I want to spend every moment of it traveling to places created by my own imagination where time doesn't exist and the possibilities are infinite and boundless. I'm going to utilize every moment of Spring Break by doing whatever I want which means eating whatever whenever I want, getting as less sleep as possible, reading until my eyes burn and ache, dancing, drinking, singing, and most importantly laughing.

Sometimes I feel like I can't contain myself and my impulsive urges to just do something completely not like me. I want to be able to just take off, in the middle of the night and just go somewhere beautiful, just drive away from everything I'm use to and familiar with. There's just so much to see and experience and I just want to go out there and witness them all. I guess basically I want to start living, I want to be able to do what I love without having to think of the consequences.

I think it's about time to stop being safe all the time and just take chances. I think I'm ready to let loose and just be myself. I want to do whatever my heart desires and deal with the consequences later because at this point I just don't really care anymore. I realized that analyzing every action or decision you make is no way to live life and experience all it has to offer.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Once again Prom is just around the corner and I really don't feel like spending 300 dollars in order to have fun. But the dress shopping part of the whole scenario is a different story; it's just way too tempting to say no. So far the three candidates I have for Prom are 1) a best friend who I've known since freshman year 2) a slightly annoying but super friendly guy who I've only gotten to know recently 3) and last but not least a guy who I've been interested in but is sadly a complete pothead. Tell you the truth I wouldn't want to go to Prom with any of them but what other choice do I have. I guess desperate times calls for desperate measures; I'm going to have to search for my super short-shorts which I haven't worn in years and bust out my good old conversational/flirtation skills. God I have a feeling that this is going to end badly.

It's funny actually to see people around school frantically searching for a Prom date. My friend went as far as making an announcement in front of class that she had absolutely no Prom date and would offer to pay for whoever would take her. Lets just hope that begging doesn't become a option for me as well.

Since Spring Break is just a couple days away, I decided to plan a much needed trip to San Fransisco just to get away from LA and it's oh so polluted and stuffy atmosphere. I need a change of surrounding and I think San Fransisco is the perfect place to take a much needed break.

Oh after my numerous mopey blog entries I decided that things aren't as bad as they seem. I was complaining in my earlier entries about colleges but I realized that everything isn't as bad as it seems. I'm going to a four year university with friends and family close by and if transferring becomes an option, I'm going to work my ass off for the first two years and then transfer to my dream school. I believe that being able to live in American is a blessing in itself and that unlike many other countries, it is extremely forgiving, meaning that there are always plenty of opportunities to pursue your goals even after many failed attempts.

Yay! It's time to end this on a positive note for once.

Friday Night

So I went to a party yesterday that consisted of sweaty people brushing up and rubbing inappropriate body parts against each other, couples exchanging saliva, and people practically having sex on the dance floor. The music was booming and the multicolor lights were blinding; it was like a big space station fill with a bunch of hormonal teenagers getting their boogie on. So I was in the mosh pit full of panting and heavy breathing; I felt like I was going to either die or collapse right there on the dance floor. I couldn't breath my legs were on fire; I never felt so much sweat and respiration in my life. It was absolutely disgusting. But at the same time the most sensational experience ever.

Yep that was my Friday night, I woke up this morning feeling like a seventy year old man. My back ached, my arms were sore, and my thighs were screaming out from exhaustion.

Here I go again.

I didn't want there to be this huge gap between every entry. But I guess things have went from disappointing to depressing.

Sorry I haven't wrote in a while and I am terribly sorry about that but there is just so much negativity in my life right now that I didn't want to depress the rest of you with my sob stories. But what can I say, I feel the need to blog so here goes.

So the last time I submitted an entry I ranted about how I didn't get into San Diego State University. Well as you can probably assume, I didn't get into any UCs besides Riverside which is extremely depressing since I expected so much more. I wasn't prepared for so many rejections, one after the other. Plus, school lately has been filled with nothing but drama. I am not talking to two of my best friends for reasons that I will not get into; lets just say that I hate it when some girls get so caught up in their relationships that they end up neglecting their other girlfriends who have stuck there through thick and thin. BUT anyway life's been tough lately and there's just so much to complain about.

Oh and due to the numerous rejection letters that have managed to accumulate on my table, I decided yesterday that I needed a break, from everything including my life-long diet. Yesterday a couple of friends and I decided to celebrate our failures by gorging at the most unhealthy and fattening place ever: Hometown Buffet. It was delightfully sinful, I never ate so much before but I felt like it was all for a good cause. We laughed and ate and laughed some more while getting up to get 3rds and 4ths.

But since that was yesterday, I had a reality check this morning, waking up feeling bloated and grungy as ever.

Gosh it feels so great to be blogging again!

So this is how it feels to be rejected

It's a sad day.

So I was coming back from school today with a cup of frozen yogurt in my hand with my favorite flavors: plain, blueberry, and pomegranate topped with mochi balls, mango, and strawberry, when I received a horrific letter in the mail.

It's funny just how one simple thing can ruin a person's whole day, but yep I got a big fat slap in the face by a rejection letter. I don't want to sound snooty but I really didn't expect one, well at least not from a Cal State. I knew there was a possibility that I would get reject from one of the higher UCs but not a Cal State. The school was San Diego State University. It was so unexpected and then I looked up the acceptance rate for that school it turned out having a 32% acceptance rate. That made me me feel a little better but it just gets me extremely worried about how the others will come out.

I still have to hear back from 6 more schools so I guess there's still hope and I will probably start receiving more letters by the end of this month. I just hope I don't get rejected. I don't know if I can handle being rejected twice. Ha ha it's funny because normally people would complain and associate rejection with dating and relationships. Which just goes to show how nonexistent my love life is. AND again I'm off topic.

Hopefully next time I can actually enjoy my Pinkberry without having my mailbox be the bearer of bad news. So I guess it's time to eat my feelings once again; Subway here I come!

Coraline

Me being an extremely cheap person, went to AMC this morning and bought movie tickets for 6 dollars each. It's my way of cheating through life; if makes me feel like I'm getting special treatment for some reason.

So on this perfectly flawless Sunday, I went to watch Coraline which is this 3D cartoon made from the producers of The Nightmare Before Christmas. I must say that although the movie was trippy and strange, I enjoyed every minute of it. It exceeds all imagination barriers and the graphics are fabulous. I felt like I was traveling through a completely different world; I just want to know how the director manages to imagine and create all this. The movie overall was beautifully done and super appealing to the eye.

The main character Coraline, voiced by Dakota Fanning, travels through this whole new fantasy land through a secret hidden door in her new home. She travels through the door in her sleep and finds her everyday bleak surroundings altered into a magical paradise. There's this one part of the movie where she travels through the backyard garden during one of her dreams and the colors and graphics are just superb. Here's a picture!

What I originally thought was suppose to be a typical childrens film turned out to be completely enjoyable and even at times suspenseful. I say if you're looking to escape reality, you should really watch the movie; it will succeed all your expectations.

Baskin Robbins

Here's a update on my oh-so exciting life.

I managed to get a job in the 4-5 days that I didn't publish a post. I now am an official employee of Baskin Robbins where I scoop ice cream for 8 bucks an hour. Doesn't that just sound dandy? Anyways I went in today to watch a training video and I swear the questions that they asked where questions a 5th grade could probably answer. Seriously what has happened to our once glorious country built on establishing figurative language and using that language to expand they way we communicate and express ourselves? In the training video I watched, the sentences were seriously like "germs are bad for you, make sure to wash hands good" and "many people die from germs so keep work area clean." I felt like I was becoming increasingly retarded as the video worn on.

After all that, who knew there were so many ways so scoop ice cream. It's funny to say but there's actually a technique for that: The S-scoop, The Semi-circle scoop, and The Straight Across scoop. It was hilarious when the video noted that every employee had to wash their hands for precisely 20 seconds. I couldn't resist laughing when the video actually showed the whole 20 second hand washing part-- just in case we forgot how to wash out hands. After a while I zoned out and realized during the 20 second hand wash just how amazingly hairy the person's arms were.

So I guess you can say, since I have a job now, it counts as another thing in my life to complain about. Busting my ass working minimum wage while at the same time gain weight from all the free ice cream. It's like Gods way of saying "Just give up! You will never get skinny, ever! Muhahaha!"

How Peculiar

It is really quiet funny actually when you fine yourself sitting in class expecting something to happen. I've imagined it thousand times already; what would happen if I just smacked the person sitting in front of me right across the head? Just because I felt like it. How would he react? Yep as you can tell I can get pretty bored at times with life. And these days it seems to be getting worse.

Since senior year is almost over, it seems like the teachers have given up on us as well. I have practically no homework anymore which is bliss. BUT the time I do spend at school, sitting away the hours really frustrates me. What is the point, really, in just being there to learn absolutely nothing. I could be doing so much more with my time; doing something that actually fascinates me and interests me.

Oh and another sad thing is that I've given up on trying to converse with others, I just don't care anymore. In my 3rd period class there is this girl who constantly rambles on and on to me about meaningless stories about her life; she smells like rusted metal and is extremely rude to me whenever I have anything to say but is super spirited and friendly whenever she has something to share, which is always.

So besides these dreaded encounters, school is pretty bland. I'm just waiting for something to happen because at this moment I feel like I am in a deep sleep that I just can't seem to wake up from. I feel numb to everything around me.

I need a vacation.

Where's the pride, the dignity?

So I went to the beach yesterday and I had the luck of being, in practically every situation, the third wheel. Life is just great when you realize that you can't hangout with you're friends anymore without their boyfriends tagging along. It's sad actually. I was sitting in the back seat of a car driving on Beach Blvd to Huntington Beach and my friend and her "temporary" boyfriend was next to me, smothering each other with caresses and kisses. It was a beautiful day, the sun finally showed itself after many days of gloomy foggy weather. And I got to spend it in the most awkwardest way possible.

What really upsets me sometimes is the way some girls just seem to pour themselves over a guy, it's almost like their clinging on to dear life. Is their no dignity, no pride?

My best friend for example, is a great friend in every way but her biggest flaw is guys. She is the type of person to just drop everything for a guy. She is right now in a relationship with my best guy friend and the weird thing is that I don't know who to worry about more. It's complicated.

I know that everyone has their weak points but it really bothers me to see a person pour their whole heart and soul out for another person and in the end have their feelings completely crushed. I told my best girlfriend to NOT put in that much effort unless she was getting the same amount back, but it's already too late. I see it. She is in love, again. She calls her boyfriend nonstop and does everything she can to make the relationship last, even my giving him little heart-felt presents here and there. The sad part is that he is already taking it for granted, complaining about how "clingy" she is. But that's the sad reality, some girls are just willing to lay their hearts out for someone their interested in. I guess some people just have to learn the hard way.

What a Not So Pleasant Surprise

It's sad really, the things I have to endure because of it. Like I eat nonstop for it's preparation, I guess you can say almost like an inauguration. Prior to it, I go on a gorging rampage which consists of shoving anything I can get my hands on into my mouth. It's rather scary actually. Then the hormones start acting up and every situation just seems so depressing and irritating; during one of these stages, I like to express myself by throw meaningless temper tantrums and pointless fits. I feel bad for whoever is there during these explosions; I can see the fear in their eyes and their hopeless attempts at trying to comfort me. And it's all because of it!

I cried yesterday because of it since I suddenly left like I was loosing a friend; the person I went to confide in ended up asking me, "Is it coming?" and I immediately blew up in a raging ball of flames and started screaming and arguing to no end, saying over and over, "Nobody understands me, nobody cares!" Yep, these are the consequences I have to face every time it comes around, I have no control over my emotions, they're just everywhere!

Right now, as I am typing away, my stomach is again protesting, chanting "FEED ME! FEED ME!" and like a great loving mother, my mom declares that there is absolutely nothing to eat in the house. So I have once again resorted to three candy-bars: Crunch, Snickers, and 3 Musketeers. But since I am so terribly hungry, I am feasting away imagining myself eating chicken and mashed potatoes instead.

I just love it when it hits me in the pit of my stomach, making me clench onto my belly and wince. What great pains I suffer from it, especially during class where everyone just hears this soft whine and it's me in the corner of the room, battling it out with my cramps.

And yep, it just happens to pay me a visit every month. It shows just how much it misses me by rewarding me with cramps, PMS, and a mean appetite. Don't you just love periods?

Something To Think About

I have a question.

Is is weird in any way that almost all of my closest friends are guys? This may seem to some like a farcical question but it really makes me wonder and ask myself; is that normal? Am I incapable of making girlfriends? Am I just not a friendly/easy to talk to person unless whoever I'm talking to happens to be a guy? I don't know it just gets to me sometimes.

I admit, I am reluctant to talk to girls or share all my feelings/thoughts with them because there's a likely chance that they'll end up repeated to someone else, yep it's called gossip and I hate it. It's just hard to converse with girls sometimes when there's that constant nagging voice in the back of your head saying "I bet she's judging you right this very minute, I bet she thinks you're pathetic and melodramatic." or questions like "Do I trust her enough to tell her this?" I just hate having to be so cautious about every little thing that I want to say. Why can't I just freely express myself?

However with guys it's a different story, I know not every girl is a gossip-queen but with guys there's no need to watch what I say. I know for a fact that I can trust the ones I talk to and count on them to give me genuine and honest advice.

But here's the issue. What if these guys who I believe are my close friends are only considerate and attentive because I'm a girl. And what if the only reason they listen and seem to care so much is because I release estrogen instead of testosterone or that I have breasts which offers some sort of distraction from whatever words coming out of my mouth.

Either way, I just don't want to be taken for a fool thinking that there are actually people out there that give a crap about what I have to say when in reality it's not like that at all. I just want make close friends that like being around me for the way I am, me with my meaningless rambles, overly dramatic stories, and my ridiculously weird comments and actions.

MTV The Hills

I'm obsessed!

I'm obsessed with MTV The Hills. Season 5 is airing this Spring and I can't wait. My friends all think I'm mentally retarded for liking this show but I just can't help it. I've been a devoted fan for years now and I've watched Lauren Conrad for years, starting from the Laguna Beach days all the way up to now. There was a teaser on TV yesterday that showed a trailer of what to expect from season 5 and I almost wept out of pure joy and happiness. Yep, I have a undying love for drama. My heart yearns for ways to make life more fascinating and provocative, so since I can't live it, why not watch it.

The Oscars

I think it's about time for another journal entry. I'm feeling extremely expressive right now and you sadly is the only "thing" to talk to at the moment. It sucks actually if you think about it, that I am basically talking to myself but anyways on a different note, I just finished watching The Oscars and have come to the conclusion that I want to be a screen playwright. Yep or if not just one of those fabulous actresses on stage wearing a big puffy curtain-like dress with thousands of dollars worth of jewelry on me. Everything the celebrities wear just seem to exude fabulous-ness and glamor.

So this years or year 2008's "Slumdog Millionaire" reeled in a lot of Oscars, claiming Best Picture, Best Director, Best Music Score, and a bunch of other "bests" that I can't seem to remember. Oh another note worthy person is Kate Winslet who snatched an Oscar for Best Actress from the movie "The Reader", which I personally haven't seen yet but want to. Other nominated films were "Milk", "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", "Wall-E", "Doubt", "The Dark Knight", and "The Duchess", which I really want to see since the movie stars Kira Knightley.

Overall the Oscars was beautiful, beautifully designed and arranged. Plus there was an added bonus for those who love seeing Hugh Jackman dance, talk, sing, and just apparently do everything. I know I did.

Naked Chocolate Cafe

If I had to recommend a place, it would be the Naked Chocolate Cafe. Its located only in Philadelphia, PA I think, and I had the pleasure of drinking and eating chocolate there last summer. Okay that sounds gross but it is the most deliciously appetizing drink I've ever had and the cake was scrumptious. Search it up when you get the chance and if you live in Philadelphia then you probably know what I'm talking about. Oh how I envy everyone who lives there!

Yumm!

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I have been reading this one book called A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and it's one of those inspirational and heart-wrenching novels. The story is basically about "a young girl's coming of age at the turn of the century". The book takes place in America during the start of the 1900s, where times are extremely tough for those who are poor and education is hard to maintain. The story describes the narrator as a smart girl who loves to read but has to constantly deal with problems life throws at her, but the great thing is that through all these experiences with poverty, loss, and isolation, she slowly grows and matures into a intellectual and driven writer.

I haven't finished the book yet but from what I have read so far is superb. You rarely come across a book like this, where you sympathize for the narrator. What's great is the writing, Betty Smith writes in a way where you feel like you're there in the story; as if you're the one witnessing it all happen.

It's a Saturday and I've done nothing but read the whole day. It's okay though, the weekend is the only time I actually get to read, chapter after chapter. Everything feels so peaceful when you have a hot cup of tea, maybe something to munch on (for me it's dark chocolate), and a good book. I realize that reading makes food more enjoyable and reading before you go to bed makes sleeping more relaxing.

Tetragrammaton

So today I had a jam session with my friend, we are putting together this collaboration of the song "Tetragrammaton" by The Mars Volta which I must admit is a pretty awesome song. Normally I don't listen to stuff like that but that song I guess is an exception. So here's the plan, since I have been learning piano for about 7 years and my partner is like this crazy electric guitarist, I think this whole synchronizing crap might actually work.

The thing is that there's this senior talent show and I guess we're going to just go for it. I, unlike my friend, am super shy around people I'm not comfortable with so preforming in front 600 people might not be the best idea. But oh well, I'm gradating so why not?

After that whole escapade, I went to get a badly needed haircut for 20 bucks which is a pretty good price. When I was sitting there, the lady that was cutting my hair started speaking to me in Korean which of course I completely do not understand but she went on ahead anyway. All I did was smile and said "volume please?" and she nodded and started slicing and hacking away at my hair. Before I could even have a chance to shake my head, most of my hair was cut off leaving the back super short. The next thing you know the lady pulls out a blow dryer from out of nowhere and starts drying my hair. She runs her damn hands all though my hair, flipping my it back and forth while scratching my scalp which was awfully unpleasant. Then she started babbling again, holding the damn blow dryer 2 inches from my scalp. I felt like my scalp was on fire.

Yep. This is what I get for a cheap haircut, boyishly short hair and a burnt scalp. But you know what? My fucking hair is as voluminous as ever.

Craving

I am craving Tapioca Milk Tea. I don't know if you've ever tried this sensational drink but it's like heavenly elixir to me. It's almost like coffee, it's an addiction. I need to have one every week or so or else I'll feel incomplete, like something is missing. Well right now my taste buds are tingling for boba milk tea. I need to thank whoever invented that drink but at the same time I have boba milk tea to blame for all the cellulite that has accumulated around my thighs over the past few years. But oh well I guess it's a love-hate relationship.

And on a cold rainy day, there is always boba milk tea in an urn. It's orgasmic.

Routine

Well I guess that's what you can call my life: routine. Basically I do the same shit everyday, I wake up like 10 minutes before school starts, put on whatever first comes to mind, keep my hygiene in check, go from class to fucking class with the same apathetic attitude, munch on something when the bell rings for lunch, and then come slumping back home. Once I get home I immediately go the place that offers instant satisfaction: the kitchen. After that I turn on the TV which helps me shut off my brain for the next couple of hours and before you know it, I'm knocked out on the couch. Same shit everyday.

GOD why is life so fucking bleak right now? I just don't know what to do anymore so that my life can be somewhat spontaneous/interesting. The only thing that seems to be constantly changing are my journal entries.

I just wish there was more to worry about than just school, grades, and weight. Sadly there really isn't much to think about besides that since apparently my life doesn't give me enough fucking variety to keep my mind occupied.

I need to take a vacation, get away from my monotonous-drool-mundane existence. Yup. I have my days.

I am in love

I think I am in love with Sylvia Plath, her poems are glorious!

"Lady Lazarus"

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight
My face featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me.

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot-
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so i feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical.

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shot:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart-
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash-
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there-

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

Me, Cook? I Think Not.

So I was sitting in the living, hunched over a magazine, waiting for the food to cook itself and the next thing you know I am on the computer once again. Its a simple rainy Sunday and the weekend has been great so far. I was able to go ice-skating yesterday and managed to receive a big purple-green bruise in return for attempting to skate. Today is movie night with friends and we decided to make pot roast and mash potatoes together but the funny thing is that I just end up prancing around the room watching everyone else cook. I guess some people in the world are just meant to eat food, not cook it.

But I did buy this jazz CD that I immediately popped into the CD player and the next thing you know the sound of elegant jazz filled the whole house. It's the type of fancy dinner restaurant music that makes you just want to light candles and pop open champagne. So while I was reading a magazine and watching everyone else cook, I realized that I could really get use to this, living life on my own. Maybe renting an apartment with friends and just living together for college. I enjoyed the laughter; the "oops" and "oh shit" that echoed throughout the kitchen. It is just such a huge transition from the constant nagging my parents give me over every little thing.

The rest of the night was spend gorging on meat and mash potatoes while watching Love Actually which I must say is a very cute British movie. So there goes another free meal and another weekend, tomorrow is Monday and what better way to start of the week than to sleep in til twelve o' clock.

Clarity

It is a clear day. It is Valentines Day. The skies are actually blue, the air is crisp, and there are just enough clouds in the sky. I just love the weather and the clean fresh air right after a two day shower. When the sun emerges from behind the many gray gloomy clouds, its the most beautiful thing. I feel brand new like the rain has washed all my worries away, evaporated into the air, taking all the stress and complications with them.

So on this lovely day while I am here sipping on my steamy coffee, I decided to take some pictures from my backyard so I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Since it is Valentines Day and all, I have decided that it is the perfect day for ice-skating. Although Valentines Day is so overrated with disgustingly sweet chocolates and a bunch of "I love yous" everywhere, I think we should still take advantage of this day even if there happens to be no significant other.

An interesting poem...

"Cut"

What a thrill -
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

Little pilgrim,
The Indian's axed your scalp.
Your turkey wattle
Carpet rolls

Straight from the heart.
I step on it,
Clutching my bottle
Of pick fizz.

A celebration, this is.
Out of a gap
A million solders run
Redcoats, every one.

Whose side are they on?
O my
Homunculus, I am ill.
I have taken a pill to kill

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man -

The stain on you
Gauze Ku Klux Klan
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes when

The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump -
Trepanned veteran,
Dirty girl,
Thumb stump.

- Sylvia Plath

The Night

We grow accustomed to the Dark -
When Light is put away - As when
the neighbor holds the Lamp To
witness her Goodbye

A Moment - We uncertain step For
Newness of the night - Then - fit our
Vision to the Dark - And meet the
Road - erect -

And so of larger - Darknesses -

Those Evenings of the Brain-When
not a Moon disclose a sign - Or Star -
come out - within -

The Bravest - grope a little -
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead
But as they learn to see -
Either the Darkness alters -
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight -
And Life steps almost straight.

- Emily Dickinson

Acquainted with the Night

I have been one acquainted with the night. I
have walked out in rain - and back in rain. I
have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat. And
dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry Came over
houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-by;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right. I
have been one acquainted with the night.

- Robert Frost

What I love here is the contrasting view points of both poets writing about the same topic: night. In Emily Dickinson's poem you get a sense of sadness and uncertainty at the first two stanzas but later you see that feeling gradually progresses into awareness and realization. Frost however presents this depressing aspect throughout the whole poem. The mood is very gloomy and towards the end of the poem you feel extreme pity for the speaker especially when Frost repeatedly says "I have been one acquainted to the night," is means that the speaker is and has been accustomed to loneliness and misery.

It's amazing how both poets mention night and darkness but have similar yet completely different perspectives of what darkness really represents. Dickinson speaks of darkness in a way that symbolizes hope and optimism, it's like although the speaker fails to find his/her way, in the end the light at the end of the tunnel always prevails: there is always that beckon of hope in every situation life throws at you. Frost however registers this idea that there is just so much sadness and negativity in life that a person eventually has become accustomed and almost accepting towards whatever wretchedness life has to offer.

Just love how the poems are similar when it comes to certain aspects of the night while in the end still being completely different in each poet's true perspective of life. What is interesting is that both poems reveal so much about each poet's attitude and perception of the sorrow and grief that shrouds people's everyday lives.

Running with Scissors

Just finished Running with Scissors, and my final thought was "wow what a quirky book!" But the thoughts that flooded in afterward were intense. The whole story was very strange but exhilarating, its really refreshing to finally get to read something that strays so much away from reality. Every time I picked up the book, it was like escaping into another world where the worries and dilemmas I go normally through have no significance whatsoever in comparison. I just loved how there were so many detailed scenes in the book that were so hilarious. Whenever there was a incident that seemed like a complete disaster, the author always knew how to switch it around, making the situation seem like something humorous.

Overall its one of those books where it gets you thinking, I feel like just reading the book makes you more mature in someway. Seeing how the narrator faces insanely chaotic situations, makes you feel like you can deal with any shit life throws at you: 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. Now I feel like being psychiatrist, it seems like it would be an mind-boggling yet entertaining profession.

Memorable Quotes:
"According to Hope, Freud died of kitty leukemia. According to me, Freud died of being trapped in a laundry basket for four days without food or water. "

"You can't come in here, this is my mastabatorium! "

"The stress had caused the psoriasis on Hope's scalp to produce extraordinary quantities of snowy flakes...The flakes would collect on her shoulders and scatter down the front and back of her shirt. This gave her the appearance of an actress taking a break from shooting on the set of a blizzard."

Memorable Moments:
"Look at your damn face," my mother said. You've got the face of a man twice your age. Thirty-seven years old going on eighty."
My father was very drunk by now and the only way he could imagine restoring silence to the house was to stop my mother from breathing.
"Get your damn hands off of me," my mother screamed, struggling against my father's hands, which had found their way around her neck.
"Shut the hell up, you bitch." His teeth were clenched.

"I hate my life," Natalie said again.
"I hate the ceiling," I said.
The ceiling was low, much too low for the room, much too low for the old Victorian house. The ceiling wasn't smooth either; it was bumpy, like the backs of a woman's legs. The ceiling had cellulite.
"It's old," Natalie said, as if this meant I should forgive it.
"It's horribly depressing."
The yellow light against the yellow walls against the old wood floor, itself a shade of yellow mixed with brown. The total effect was not cheery. It was crushing. It was yellow coming down on you. It was...
"Let's get rid of it then," Natalie said suddenly, looking around.
"Rid of what?"
"Let's take down the ceiling."
I smirked at the idea.

Hope slammed her book shut. "Natalie, you are so foul-mouthed. What's the matter with you, hm? All day long you whine about wanting to go to Smith and you can't say ten words without suing the F-word."
"That's right, Hope. I'm just a foul-mouthed whore. I'm your little slut sister."
"That's enough," Hope said.
"Go fuck yourself," Natalie gave her the finger. Then she turned to me. "Let's go to McDonald's. Let's get some McNuggets."
"Oh, bring me some?" Hope said sweetly.
Natalie snickered darkly. "We'll bring you a dead squirrel if we happen to see one on the side of the road."

"Help me lift this fucking mattress. We're going to turn a negative situation into a fun situation."
We are able to ease the mattress into the swimming pool out front without making so much as a splash.
The television set, the chair and both nightstands didn't make much of a splash either.
"Hey motherfucker," Natalie screamed toward the front office of the motel. "I did like you said and looked everywhere and I still didn't find my earrings."

American Teen

Yesterday my friends and I decided to have a movie night so we gathered around the TV to watch American Teen. Unlike all the other teen movies, this was a documentary. It's a documentary about 5 completely polar-opposite teens who all happen to go to the same high school. I love the director's choice of characters because each person was unique in their own way. However I didn't find one that related to me but maybe that's because my existence is so damn mundane, either way I really enjoyed it. For a person who loves reality shows, this movie was perfect.

I love having the opportunity to just take a peek into other people's lives just so I get a glance of just how bizarre and interesting people can really be. Like most people, I loved the character Hannah; there was just so much personality oozing from one person. She had big aspirations of becoming a director in a major city which is always exciting. The great thing was that in the end she went out to pursue her dreams even though both her parents opposed of the idea.

I am actually going off to college in a couple months as well and its great to just be able to see how other teenagers around the country struggle and stress about the same things that I have been through. Going off to college is a major step, I see it as barely the start of life.

Peace and Quiet

My house is chaotic, everything is a mess. My thoughts are constantly being rapped by multiple muscular men. There is no peace and quiet; something that I desire oh so much. Out of all the rooms in the house my pest of a brother is deciding to play his clarinet in this one. What is suppose to be harmonious melodies are coming out like farts and banshee screeches. My mad monster of a mom is screaming up a storm even though its already been raining all day today. My papi who enjoys a couple of beers after a "long day of hard work" is loafing on the coach, breathing with what seems like his entire massive belly which appears to be the only thing that's moving.

Yup, I'm just waiting for it, my mom like a vulture is going to scavenge for something to scream at while my dad bellows back using all the strength that's left in his enormous belly, while my brother blows the freakin hell out of that stupid goddamn clarinet! And I am going to just sit here and sulk until the day comes when I finally get some peace and quiet.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

So I recently finished this one book called The Mysteries of Pittsburgh which in many ways like the title, mysterious. Its basically about this guy who is really confused about what he wants out of life and especially love. So throughout the story which is really only the summer months of June, July, and August, he experiments with his sexuality. First with his girlfriend Phlox and then with an another man named Arthur. However towards the end of the story he falls in love with both of them, ruining his relationship with his father, who is this gang leader, in the process.

What's sad about the story was that it always seemed like Art was in his own little world where he was constantly lost and confused about what he wanted; having to decide between who he loved more and also having to live up to his father's expectations. In the end, Art decided to run away from everything, from his father, from Phlox and Arthur.

I guess you can say that this story has a strange concept but the thing I found really interesting about the book was how the author wrote. The way he phrased ideas together and the way he basically put things into perspective. Overall the book was very different than anything I ever read, but definitely worth it.

It's this thing called...

Yeah remember that post below this one? Well its been two days since that post and I already feel shitty. All thanks to this wonderful thing can the "period" where you feel nauseated, fat, bloated and willing to rip anyone's head off for saying the "wrong" thing. I guess the best thing to do now is to curl up into a ball and whimper for the next couple of hours before my cramps to subside. Wow what a great way to spend my Sunday!

There are those days...

There are those days where you feel like being alone, all alone so that no one can possible make you feel any worse besides having yourself to blame. BUT there are other days where you feel like nothing can stop you and you just feel like writing a book, just letting the words spill over pages of notebook paper. Well today is one of those days. Nothing really great happened but I feel seamlessly happy, so giddy that monkeys are having a jungle gym party in my stomach right now. Although that was a weird and random analogy, I don't really care. I am happy, content, optimistic, flying, soaring, forever hopeful for whatever lies in the future. Okay so maybe I am looking forward to something but I just feel so grateful. I feel that my parents finally trust me and I realized how incomplete I am going to be once I have to move away. My little brother on the other hand comes to me whenever he needs to complain or just have a laugh. And I am just glad to be there. I am grateful that I can help him through these years before I go off and beginning a new life in college. There is just so much to look forward to in life and I can't wait to have the opportunity to experience it all. I love life right now and I have a gut feeling that this feeling might change in a couple of days but I want to have this entry to remind me how great this feeling is. It is rare for me to truly appreciate my life at times. But at this precise moment I can't help smiling to myself and just being anxious for whatever happens tomorrow. Okay I am ending this before it gets too corny.

My feet are cold

So I am sitting here alone in this cold empty house and I can't help feeling utterly frozen. My feet are numb and my fingers are having a hard time maneuvering over this key board since they are like my feet, frozen. As you can tell the weather has been pissing me off.

Panic Panic Panic!

There is just so much to do and just so little time. I have two winter formals to go to this year which is great since it is senior year and all. BUT I can't organize things well! Everything at this moment is a wreck! I bought this gorgeous dress that is a size three but the funny thing is that the dress seems to be getting a tinny bit too tight. Yup I have come to the conclusion that my dress is shrinking! It is Gods way of spiting me for being too happy lately. Okay so maybe for the past few days I have had an extra meal or two BUT I still have time to slim down. Well actually I have exactly 3 days to slim down. Geez!
Since normally I'm the type of person to wear baggy shorts and loose fitting shirts, it is going to be extremely hard for me to walk in heels. Normally when I have heels on I get this nauseating sensation that I am going to topple over and fall on my face. Great this is going to be just great.
Okay besides that I have to find picture places and arrange everything else. God I am getting a migraine just thinking about all this. I just have to keep telling myself that in the end it will be all worth it. It will all be worth it. Yup I think its time for another snack, food as you know is the perfect cure for stress.