Time to start living

I'm ready for colors, excitement; I want to feel like I'm traveling through the Milky Way filled with thousands of stars, swirls of colors and glitter. I want it to be a surreal, an extraterrestrial experience. Spring Break is finally here and I want to spend every moment of it traveling to places created by my own imagination where time doesn't exist and the possibilities are infinite and boundless. I'm going to utilize every moment of Spring Break by doing whatever I want which means eating whatever whenever I want, getting as less sleep as possible, reading until my eyes burn and ache, dancing, drinking, singing, and most importantly laughing.

Sometimes I feel like I can't contain myself and my impulsive urges to just do something completely not like me. I want to be able to just take off, in the middle of the night and just go somewhere beautiful, just drive away from everything I'm use to and familiar with. There's just so much to see and experience and I just want to go out there and witness them all. I guess basically I want to start living, I want to be able to do what I love without having to think of the consequences.

I think it's about time to stop being safe all the time and just take chances. I think I'm ready to let loose and just be myself. I want to do whatever my heart desires and deal with the consequences later because at this point I just don't really care anymore. I realized that analyzing every action or decision you make is no way to live life and experience all it has to offer.

Here I go again.

I didn't want there to be this huge gap between every entry. But I guess things have went from disappointing to depressing.

Sorry I haven't wrote in a while and I am terribly sorry about that but there is just so much negativity in my life right now that I didn't want to depress the rest of you with my sob stories. But what can I say, I feel the need to blog so here goes.

So the last time I submitted an entry I ranted about how I didn't get into San Diego State University. Well as you can probably assume, I didn't get into any UCs besides Riverside which is extremely depressing since I expected so much more. I wasn't prepared for so many rejections, one after the other. Plus, school lately has been filled with nothing but drama. I am not talking to two of my best friends for reasons that I will not get into; lets just say that I hate it when some girls get so caught up in their relationships that they end up neglecting their other girlfriends who have stuck there through thick and thin. BUT anyway life's been tough lately and there's just so much to complain about.

Oh and due to the numerous rejection letters that have managed to accumulate on my table, I decided yesterday that I needed a break, from everything including my life-long diet. Yesterday a couple of friends and I decided to celebrate our failures by gorging at the most unhealthy and fattening place ever: Hometown Buffet. It was delightfully sinful, I never ate so much before but I felt like it was all for a good cause. We laughed and ate and laughed some more while getting up to get 3rds and 4ths.

But since that was yesterday, I had a reality check this morning, waking up feeling bloated and grungy as ever.

Gosh it feels so great to be blogging again!

Baskin Robbins

Here's a update on my oh-so exciting life.

I managed to get a job in the 4-5 days that I didn't publish a post. I now am an official employee of Baskin Robbins where I scoop ice cream for 8 bucks an hour. Doesn't that just sound dandy? Anyways I went in today to watch a training video and I swear the questions that they asked where questions a 5th grade could probably answer. Seriously what has happened to our once glorious country built on establishing figurative language and using that language to expand they way we communicate and express ourselves? In the training video I watched, the sentences were seriously like "germs are bad for you, make sure to wash hands good" and "many people die from germs so keep work area clean." I felt like I was becoming increasingly retarded as the video worn on.

After all that, who knew there were so many ways so scoop ice cream. It's funny to say but there's actually a technique for that: The S-scoop, The Semi-circle scoop, and The Straight Across scoop. It was hilarious when the video noted that every employee had to wash their hands for precisely 20 seconds. I couldn't resist laughing when the video actually showed the whole 20 second hand washing part-- just in case we forgot how to wash out hands. After a while I zoned out and realized during the 20 second hand wash just how amazingly hairy the person's arms were.

So I guess you can say, since I have a job now, it counts as another thing in my life to complain about. Busting my ass working minimum wage while at the same time gain weight from all the free ice cream. It's like Gods way of saying "Just give up! You will never get skinny, ever! Muhahaha!"

How Peculiar

It is really quiet funny actually when you fine yourself sitting in class expecting something to happen. I've imagined it thousand times already; what would happen if I just smacked the person sitting in front of me right across the head? Just because I felt like it. How would he react? Yep as you can tell I can get pretty bored at times with life. And these days it seems to be getting worse.

Since senior year is almost over, it seems like the teachers have given up on us as well. I have practically no homework anymore which is bliss. BUT the time I do spend at school, sitting away the hours really frustrates me. What is the point, really, in just being there to learn absolutely nothing. I could be doing so much more with my time; doing something that actually fascinates me and interests me.

Oh and another sad thing is that I've given up on trying to converse with others, I just don't care anymore. In my 3rd period class there is this girl who constantly rambles on and on to me about meaningless stories about her life; she smells like rusted metal and is extremely rude to me whenever I have anything to say but is super spirited and friendly whenever she has something to share, which is always.

So besides these dreaded encounters, school is pretty bland. I'm just waiting for something to happen because at this moment I feel like I am in a deep sleep that I just can't seem to wake up from. I feel numb to everything around me.

I need a vacation.

What a Not So Pleasant Surprise

It's sad really, the things I have to endure because of it. Like I eat nonstop for it's preparation, I guess you can say almost like an inauguration. Prior to it, I go on a gorging rampage which consists of shoving anything I can get my hands on into my mouth. It's rather scary actually. Then the hormones start acting up and every situation just seems so depressing and irritating; during one of these stages, I like to express myself by throw meaningless temper tantrums and pointless fits. I feel bad for whoever is there during these explosions; I can see the fear in their eyes and their hopeless attempts at trying to comfort me. And it's all because of it!

I cried yesterday because of it since I suddenly left like I was loosing a friend; the person I went to confide in ended up asking me, "Is it coming?" and I immediately blew up in a raging ball of flames and started screaming and arguing to no end, saying over and over, "Nobody understands me, nobody cares!" Yep, these are the consequences I have to face every time it comes around, I have no control over my emotions, they're just everywhere!

Right now, as I am typing away, my stomach is again protesting, chanting "FEED ME! FEED ME!" and like a great loving mother, my mom declares that there is absolutely nothing to eat in the house. So I have once again resorted to three candy-bars: Crunch, Snickers, and 3 Musketeers. But since I am so terribly hungry, I am feasting away imagining myself eating chicken and mashed potatoes instead.

I just love it when it hits me in the pit of my stomach, making me clench onto my belly and wince. What great pains I suffer from it, especially during class where everyone just hears this soft whine and it's me in the corner of the room, battling it out with my cramps.

And yep, it just happens to pay me a visit every month. It shows just how much it misses me by rewarding me with cramps, PMS, and a mean appetite. Don't you just love periods?

Something To Think About

I have a question.

Is is weird in any way that almost all of my closest friends are guys? This may seem to some like a farcical question but it really makes me wonder and ask myself; is that normal? Am I incapable of making girlfriends? Am I just not a friendly/easy to talk to person unless whoever I'm talking to happens to be a guy? I don't know it just gets to me sometimes.

I admit, I am reluctant to talk to girls or share all my feelings/thoughts with them because there's a likely chance that they'll end up repeated to someone else, yep it's called gossip and I hate it. It's just hard to converse with girls sometimes when there's that constant nagging voice in the back of your head saying "I bet she's judging you right this very minute, I bet she thinks you're pathetic and melodramatic." or questions like "Do I trust her enough to tell her this?" I just hate having to be so cautious about every little thing that I want to say. Why can't I just freely express myself?

However with guys it's a different story, I know not every girl is a gossip-queen but with guys there's no need to watch what I say. I know for a fact that I can trust the ones I talk to and count on them to give me genuine and honest advice.

But here's the issue. What if these guys who I believe are my close friends are only considerate and attentive because I'm a girl. And what if the only reason they listen and seem to care so much is because I release estrogen instead of testosterone or that I have breasts which offers some sort of distraction from whatever words coming out of my mouth.

Either way, I just don't want to be taken for a fool thinking that there are actually people out there that give a crap about what I have to say when in reality it's not like that at all. I just want make close friends that like being around me for the way I am, me with my meaningless rambles, overly dramatic stories, and my ridiculously weird comments and actions.

Routine

Well I guess that's what you can call my life: routine. Basically I do the same shit everyday, I wake up like 10 minutes before school starts, put on whatever first comes to mind, keep my hygiene in check, go from class to fucking class with the same apathetic attitude, munch on something when the bell rings for lunch, and then come slumping back home. Once I get home I immediately go the place that offers instant satisfaction: the kitchen. After that I turn on the TV which helps me shut off my brain for the next couple of hours and before you know it, I'm knocked out on the couch. Same shit everyday.

GOD why is life so fucking bleak right now? I just don't know what to do anymore so that my life can be somewhat spontaneous/interesting. The only thing that seems to be constantly changing are my journal entries.

I just wish there was more to worry about than just school, grades, and weight. Sadly there really isn't much to think about besides that since apparently my life doesn't give me enough fucking variety to keep my mind occupied.

I need to take a vacation, get away from my monotonous-drool-mundane existence. Yup. I have my days.

The Night

We grow accustomed to the Dark -
When Light is put away - As when
the neighbor holds the Lamp To
witness her Goodbye

A Moment - We uncertain step For
Newness of the night - Then - fit our
Vision to the Dark - And meet the
Road - erect -

And so of larger - Darknesses -

Those Evenings of the Brain-When
not a Moon disclose a sign - Or Star -
come out - within -

The Bravest - grope a little -
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead
But as they learn to see -
Either the Darkness alters -
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight -
And Life steps almost straight.

- Emily Dickinson

Acquainted with the Night

I have been one acquainted with the night. I
have walked out in rain - and back in rain. I
have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat. And
dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry Came over
houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-by;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right. I
have been one acquainted with the night.

- Robert Frost

What I love here is the contrasting view points of both poets writing about the same topic: night. In Emily Dickinson's poem you get a sense of sadness and uncertainty at the first two stanzas but later you see that feeling gradually progresses into awareness and realization. Frost however presents this depressing aspect throughout the whole poem. The mood is very gloomy and towards the end of the poem you feel extreme pity for the speaker especially when Frost repeatedly says "I have been one acquainted to the night," is means that the speaker is and has been accustomed to loneliness and misery.

It's amazing how both poets mention night and darkness but have similar yet completely different perspectives of what darkness really represents. Dickinson speaks of darkness in a way that symbolizes hope and optimism, it's like although the speaker fails to find his/her way, in the end the light at the end of the tunnel always prevails: there is always that beckon of hope in every situation life throws at you. Frost however registers this idea that there is just so much sadness and negativity in life that a person eventually has become accustomed and almost accepting towards whatever wretchedness life has to offer.

Just love how the poems are similar when it comes to certain aspects of the night while in the end still being completely different in each poet's true perspective of life. What is interesting is that both poems reveal so much about each poet's attitude and perception of the sorrow and grief that shrouds people's everyday lives.

There are those days...

There are those days where you feel like being alone, all alone so that no one can possible make you feel any worse besides having yourself to blame. BUT there are other days where you feel like nothing can stop you and you just feel like writing a book, just letting the words spill over pages of notebook paper. Well today is one of those days. Nothing really great happened but I feel seamlessly happy, so giddy that monkeys are having a jungle gym party in my stomach right now. Although that was a weird and random analogy, I don't really care. I am happy, content, optimistic, flying, soaring, forever hopeful for whatever lies in the future. Okay so maybe I am looking forward to something but I just feel so grateful. I feel that my parents finally trust me and I realized how incomplete I am going to be once I have to move away. My little brother on the other hand comes to me whenever he needs to complain or just have a laugh. And I am just glad to be there. I am grateful that I can help him through these years before I go off and beginning a new life in college. There is just so much to look forward to in life and I can't wait to have the opportunity to experience it all. I love life right now and I have a gut feeling that this feeling might change in a couple of days but I want to have this entry to remind me how great this feeling is. It is rare for me to truly appreciate my life at times. But at this precise moment I can't help smiling to myself and just being anxious for whatever happens tomorrow. Okay I am ending this before it gets too corny.

Panic Panic Panic!

There is just so much to do and just so little time. I have two winter formals to go to this year which is great since it is senior year and all. BUT I can't organize things well! Everything at this moment is a wreck! I bought this gorgeous dress that is a size three but the funny thing is that the dress seems to be getting a tinny bit too tight. Yup I have come to the conclusion that my dress is shrinking! It is Gods way of spiting me for being too happy lately. Okay so maybe for the past few days I have had an extra meal or two BUT I still have time to slim down. Well actually I have exactly 3 days to slim down. Geez!
Since normally I'm the type of person to wear baggy shorts and loose fitting shirts, it is going to be extremely hard for me to walk in heels. Normally when I have heels on I get this nauseating sensation that I am going to topple over and fall on my face. Great this is going to be just great.
Okay besides that I have to find picture places and arrange everything else. God I am getting a migraine just thinking about all this. I just have to keep telling myself that in the end it will be all worth it. It will all be worth it. Yup I think its time for another snack, food as you know is the perfect cure for stress.

This Last Week

This is the last week. After this week I am officially free. Free to do whatever I want without a care in the world. I can't wait! There is just so much I have been meaning to do this year and never seemed to have the opportunity. All I have to do now is survive this week and my life finally begins or as some people call it: the start of a new chapter. There is literally nothing my parents can say or do to restrict me, I am at the point where I decide when my curfew is and how I want to manage my time. Time is at my service and I can decide what I want to do with it! I can sit at coffee shops for hours and read and write as I please without having to expose myself to the constant nagging which greets me at home. I can't wait for senior year to finally begin for me and the best part about it is I am in control. The only pressure and stress I want to be able to feel this year is from myself, not from others expectations.

Something Unexpected

Something unexpected happened today. I was doing my test in class and something unexpected happen. The sudden warm feeling rushed all through my body, it is just lovely when someone cares for you and decides to show it in the cutest way possible. For this one moment in my life I feel utterly happy and complete. Like someone has filled in the missing puzzle piece to my heart. I never expected to feel this so soon, but that is whats great about experiencing something spectacularly unexpected. I thank him for giving me something to think about, I thank him for making this day worth while, I thank him for keeping my heart and mind at ease. Now I shall smile in my sleep and wake up knowing that I possess a precious moment that I can replay in my head over and over again. So once again I would like to say thank you.

My Migraines

So I had a extremely painful migraine that happened during class today. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced, well at least in my lifetime. It was so excruciating to the point where I felt like running my head right into the many brick walls that surrounded my campus, just so I can ease the pain. I can just imagine my soft steamy brain splattered and spread out across the pavement and walls. Just thinking about it gives me satisfaction, knowing that at that precise moment I can for once in my life not feel anything, no sudden surges of pain, no images and feelings of a thousand needles piecing into my skull, no frustrating hours of moaning and groaning. Oh thank god it's over now!

First Entry

Well life as people know it is always complicated, whether they are in one situation or another. But what I have learned is that it doesn't always have to be that way. Life is whatever you want it to be, it all depends on how you see things. But here is my question: Why is it so hard sometimes to just be optimistic. And why for others does it seem so easy to stay satisfied all the time? I personally am always complaining about something and although it sucks, but i really can't help it. I feel that there is always something better then what I am experiencing our of life now.