Hip Hip Hooray!

Yipeee!

I am going to San Fransisco in precisely 23 hours and 15 mins! As you can see I am super duper excited. I'll will remember to take lots of pictures to show you guys so you can see just why I am soo excited. Here's my agenda for today: go to work from 2-10 BOOHOO! finish all my homework so I don' have to kill myself on the plane, bath in soothing hot water filled with "bath bombs" which I got at Disneyland, and of course pack pack pack. Once I get there I'm going to visit my maybe potential college: San Fransisco State University and scavenge through all the dress stores for a perfect prom dress. I got my pay check last Wednesday so I have a little over $300 to spend on my prom dress. Yipppee!

Now for the "no so great" part of my weekend. Due to the fact that I live in one of the fattest fast-food eating country in the world, I have once again managed to gain another 5 pounds. Yep talk about extremely depressing; I hate how my weight has to the be the "wet blanket" of every situation in my life. This week was suppose to be my diet week but Souplantion and Subway were calling out for me so I couldn't resist. Plus working at an ice cream store doesn't help either. You know my friend uses the restroom after every meal? She has the craziest metabolism and she's as thin as a swig. Just imagine eating all you want without gaining a single pound. That would be heaven.

Time to start living

I'm ready for colors, excitement; I want to feel like I'm traveling through the Milky Way filled with thousands of stars, swirls of colors and glitter. I want it to be a surreal, an extraterrestrial experience. Spring Break is finally here and I want to spend every moment of it traveling to places created by my own imagination where time doesn't exist and the possibilities are infinite and boundless. I'm going to utilize every moment of Spring Break by doing whatever I want which means eating whatever whenever I want, getting as less sleep as possible, reading until my eyes burn and ache, dancing, drinking, singing, and most importantly laughing.

Sometimes I feel like I can't contain myself and my impulsive urges to just do something completely not like me. I want to be able to just take off, in the middle of the night and just go somewhere beautiful, just drive away from everything I'm use to and familiar with. There's just so much to see and experience and I just want to go out there and witness them all. I guess basically I want to start living, I want to be able to do what I love without having to think of the consequences.

I think it's about time to stop being safe all the time and just take chances. I think I'm ready to let loose and just be myself. I want to do whatever my heart desires and deal with the consequences later because at this point I just don't really care anymore. I realized that analyzing every action or decision you make is no way to live life and experience all it has to offer.

Here I go again.

I didn't want there to be this huge gap between every entry. But I guess things have went from disappointing to depressing.

Sorry I haven't wrote in a while and I am terribly sorry about that but there is just so much negativity in my life right now that I didn't want to depress the rest of you with my sob stories. But what can I say, I feel the need to blog so here goes.

So the last time I submitted an entry I ranted about how I didn't get into San Diego State University. Well as you can probably assume, I didn't get into any UCs besides Riverside which is extremely depressing since I expected so much more. I wasn't prepared for so many rejections, one after the other. Plus, school lately has been filled with nothing but drama. I am not talking to two of my best friends for reasons that I will not get into; lets just say that I hate it when some girls get so caught up in their relationships that they end up neglecting their other girlfriends who have stuck there through thick and thin. BUT anyway life's been tough lately and there's just so much to complain about.

Oh and due to the numerous rejection letters that have managed to accumulate on my table, I decided yesterday that I needed a break, from everything including my life-long diet. Yesterday a couple of friends and I decided to celebrate our failures by gorging at the most unhealthy and fattening place ever: Hometown Buffet. It was delightfully sinful, I never ate so much before but I felt like it was all for a good cause. We laughed and ate and laughed some more while getting up to get 3rds and 4ths.

But since that was yesterday, I had a reality check this morning, waking up feeling bloated and grungy as ever.

Gosh it feels so great to be blogging again!

How Peculiar

It is really quiet funny actually when you fine yourself sitting in class expecting something to happen. I've imagined it thousand times already; what would happen if I just smacked the person sitting in front of me right across the head? Just because I felt like it. How would he react? Yep as you can tell I can get pretty bored at times with life. And these days it seems to be getting worse.

Since senior year is almost over, it seems like the teachers have given up on us as well. I have practically no homework anymore which is bliss. BUT the time I do spend at school, sitting away the hours really frustrates me. What is the point, really, in just being there to learn absolutely nothing. I could be doing so much more with my time; doing something that actually fascinates me and interests me.

Oh and another sad thing is that I've given up on trying to converse with others, I just don't care anymore. In my 3rd period class there is this girl who constantly rambles on and on to me about meaningless stories about her life; she smells like rusted metal and is extremely rude to me whenever I have anything to say but is super spirited and friendly whenever she has something to share, which is always.

So besides these dreaded encounters, school is pretty bland. I'm just waiting for something to happen because at this moment I feel like I am in a deep sleep that I just can't seem to wake up from. I feel numb to everything around me.

I need a vacation.

Something To Think About

I have a question.

Is is weird in any way that almost all of my closest friends are guys? This may seem to some like a farcical question but it really makes me wonder and ask myself; is that normal? Am I incapable of making girlfriends? Am I just not a friendly/easy to talk to person unless whoever I'm talking to happens to be a guy? I don't know it just gets to me sometimes.

I admit, I am reluctant to talk to girls or share all my feelings/thoughts with them because there's a likely chance that they'll end up repeated to someone else, yep it's called gossip and I hate it. It's just hard to converse with girls sometimes when there's that constant nagging voice in the back of your head saying "I bet she's judging you right this very minute, I bet she thinks you're pathetic and melodramatic." or questions like "Do I trust her enough to tell her this?" I just hate having to be so cautious about every little thing that I want to say. Why can't I just freely express myself?

However with guys it's a different story, I know not every girl is a gossip-queen but with guys there's no need to watch what I say. I know for a fact that I can trust the ones I talk to and count on them to give me genuine and honest advice.

But here's the issue. What if these guys who I believe are my close friends are only considerate and attentive because I'm a girl. And what if the only reason they listen and seem to care so much is because I release estrogen instead of testosterone or that I have breasts which offers some sort of distraction from whatever words coming out of my mouth.

Either way, I just don't want to be taken for a fool thinking that there are actually people out there that give a crap about what I have to say when in reality it's not like that at all. I just want make close friends that like being around me for the way I am, me with my meaningless rambles, overly dramatic stories, and my ridiculously weird comments and actions.

Routine

Well I guess that's what you can call my life: routine. Basically I do the same shit everyday, I wake up like 10 minutes before school starts, put on whatever first comes to mind, keep my hygiene in check, go from class to fucking class with the same apathetic attitude, munch on something when the bell rings for lunch, and then come slumping back home. Once I get home I immediately go the place that offers instant satisfaction: the kitchen. After that I turn on the TV which helps me shut off my brain for the next couple of hours and before you know it, I'm knocked out on the couch. Same shit everyday.

GOD why is life so fucking bleak right now? I just don't know what to do anymore so that my life can be somewhat spontaneous/interesting. The only thing that seems to be constantly changing are my journal entries.

I just wish there was more to worry about than just school, grades, and weight. Sadly there really isn't much to think about besides that since apparently my life doesn't give me enough fucking variety to keep my mind occupied.

I need to take a vacation, get away from my monotonous-drool-mundane existence. Yup. I have my days.

Clarity

It is a clear day. It is Valentines Day. The skies are actually blue, the air is crisp, and there are just enough clouds in the sky. I just love the weather and the clean fresh air right after a two day shower. When the sun emerges from behind the many gray gloomy clouds, its the most beautiful thing. I feel brand new like the rain has washed all my worries away, evaporated into the air, taking all the stress and complications with them.

So on this lovely day while I am here sipping on my steamy coffee, I decided to take some pictures from my backyard so I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Since it is Valentines Day and all, I have decided that it is the perfect day for ice-skating. Although Valentines Day is so overrated with disgustingly sweet chocolates and a bunch of "I love yous" everywhere, I think we should still take advantage of this day even if there happens to be no significant other.

Peace and Quiet

My house is chaotic, everything is a mess. My thoughts are constantly being rapped by multiple muscular men. There is no peace and quiet; something that I desire oh so much. Out of all the rooms in the house my pest of a brother is deciding to play his clarinet in this one. What is suppose to be harmonious melodies are coming out like farts and banshee screeches. My mad monster of a mom is screaming up a storm even though its already been raining all day today. My papi who enjoys a couple of beers after a "long day of hard work" is loafing on the coach, breathing with what seems like his entire massive belly which appears to be the only thing that's moving.

Yup, I'm just waiting for it, my mom like a vulture is going to scavenge for something to scream at while my dad bellows back using all the strength that's left in his enormous belly, while my brother blows the freakin hell out of that stupid goddamn clarinet! And I am going to just sit here and sulk until the day comes when I finally get some peace and quiet.

It's this thing called...

Yeah remember that post below this one? Well its been two days since that post and I already feel shitty. All thanks to this wonderful thing can the "period" where you feel nauseated, fat, bloated and willing to rip anyone's head off for saying the "wrong" thing. I guess the best thing to do now is to curl up into a ball and whimper for the next couple of hours before my cramps to subside. Wow what a great way to spend my Sunday!

There are those days...

There are those days where you feel like being alone, all alone so that no one can possible make you feel any worse besides having yourself to blame. BUT there are other days where you feel like nothing can stop you and you just feel like writing a book, just letting the words spill over pages of notebook paper. Well today is one of those days. Nothing really great happened but I feel seamlessly happy, so giddy that monkeys are having a jungle gym party in my stomach right now. Although that was a weird and random analogy, I don't really care. I am happy, content, optimistic, flying, soaring, forever hopeful for whatever lies in the future. Okay so maybe I am looking forward to something but I just feel so grateful. I feel that my parents finally trust me and I realized how incomplete I am going to be once I have to move away. My little brother on the other hand comes to me whenever he needs to complain or just have a laugh. And I am just glad to be there. I am grateful that I can help him through these years before I go off and beginning a new life in college. There is just so much to look forward to in life and I can't wait to have the opportunity to experience it all. I love life right now and I have a gut feeling that this feeling might change in a couple of days but I want to have this entry to remind me how great this feeling is. It is rare for me to truly appreciate my life at times. But at this precise moment I can't help smiling to myself and just being anxious for whatever happens tomorrow. Okay I am ending this before it gets too corny.

My feet are cold

So I am sitting here alone in this cold empty house and I can't help feeling utterly frozen. My feet are numb and my fingers are having a hard time maneuvering over this key board since they are like my feet, frozen. As you can tell the weather has been pissing me off.

This Last Week

This is the last week. After this week I am officially free. Free to do whatever I want without a care in the world. I can't wait! There is just so much I have been meaning to do this year and never seemed to have the opportunity. All I have to do now is survive this week and my life finally begins or as some people call it: the start of a new chapter. There is literally nothing my parents can say or do to restrict me, I am at the point where I decide when my curfew is and how I want to manage my time. Time is at my service and I can decide what I want to do with it! I can sit at coffee shops for hours and read and write as I please without having to expose myself to the constant nagging which greets me at home. I can't wait for senior year to finally begin for me and the best part about it is I am in control. The only pressure and stress I want to be able to feel this year is from myself, not from others expectations.

Something Unexpected

Something unexpected happened today. I was doing my test in class and something unexpected happen. The sudden warm feeling rushed all through my body, it is just lovely when someone cares for you and decides to show it in the cutest way possible. For this one moment in my life I feel utterly happy and complete. Like someone has filled in the missing puzzle piece to my heart. I never expected to feel this so soon, but that is whats great about experiencing something spectacularly unexpected. I thank him for giving me something to think about, I thank him for making this day worth while, I thank him for keeping my heart and mind at ease. Now I shall smile in my sleep and wake up knowing that I possess a precious moment that I can replay in my head over and over again. So once again I would like to say thank you.

My Migraines

So I had a extremely painful migraine that happened during class today. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced, well at least in my lifetime. It was so excruciating to the point where I felt like running my head right into the many brick walls that surrounded my campus, just so I can ease the pain. I can just imagine my soft steamy brain splattered and spread out across the pavement and walls. Just thinking about it gives me satisfaction, knowing that at that precise moment I can for once in my life not feel anything, no sudden surges of pain, no images and feelings of a thousand needles piecing into my skull, no frustrating hours of moaning and groaning. Oh thank god it's over now!

First Entry

Well life as people know it is always complicated, whether they are in one situation or another. But what I have learned is that it doesn't always have to be that way. Life is whatever you want it to be, it all depends on how you see things. But here is my question: Why is it so hard sometimes to just be optimistic. And why for others does it seem so easy to stay satisfied all the time? I personally am always complaining about something and although it sucks, but i really can't help it. I feel that there is always something better then what I am experiencing our of life now.